Independent Marriages

Spencer W. Kimball once said that “Your married life should be independent of her folks and his folks“. When we marry we need to remember to separate our selves from our parents and become our own family. To often parents seek to keep the same role on their married children’s life when they need “to learn to let married children have their own experiences and solve their own problems” (Harper & Olsen). When couples can learn to be their separate identity they grow a stronger bond with the in-laws because they are secure in their relationship.

When getting married, we need to remember that we are creating a new family. A new family deserves new rules. Creating new rules can be hard as each couple has many unspoken rules from their family of origin. Poduska wrote a book titled Till Debt Do Us Part, in chapter two he talks about how each couple brings different rules in to the family. The problem arises when the new couple do not talk with each other about their old family rules and share which one has the most importance and which can be changed to accommodate the other. Showing respect for the other’s rules can bring unity into the marriage and create an environment for growth.

Shortly after being married for only one year, my husband and I moved in with his parents to save and make a plan to buy a house. It started as a stressful experience because I was unaware of the unspoken house rules and the relationships Seth had with his parents. At first I would share my concerns with my husband only hoping to get it of my chest. One day though I decided to speak with him mom. Being able to sit and talk with helped strengthen our bond instead of using my husband as the mediator making him choose between his wife and mother. Making that choice to talk with helped strengthen our bond and appreciate what we each could offer each other. Though we no longer live with them there are days I miss those late nights or early morning conversations.

Different Roles-Equal Importance

Richard B. Miller wrote an article talking about power responsibilities in the home. Number two on his list was “Parents must be united in their leadership“. When raising children, parents need to be aware of each other’s role and responsibilities. Brother Miller goes on to say “neither the wife nor the husband is the slave of the other“. Understanding that we as parents need to stand as a united front because if we want our kids to grow up and contribute to society, we need to first teach them how to work together in a unified manner. When couples stop working together and try to make the other a slave to their needs, kids start to get used as weapons and grow up to hate and disrespect their parents.

In Elder Ballard’s book Counseling with our Councils in chapter two, he states that “by counseling together, they can arrive at an accord“. When in family councils, parents need to respect the other’s opinion and knowledge on the subject and work together to find a solution. The husband and the wife have different roles to play but in the Proclamation to the World it says “In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners“. Just because nurturing is not the father’s responsibility, does not mean he does not have an opinion on the matter. At the same time, mother’s are not divinely appointed to provide for the family, but as they council together she has the right to help in providing for the family.

“Unity for them in marriage was not given as hope, it was a commandment“. President Eyring said this in a talk given back in ’98. Like all commandments, this one is still and always be in effect. The Lord does not wish or desire as to work together, but commands us to do so. When we follow his command to work together and be one we are more likely to feel the spirit and to act in accordance to the will of the Lord. To be one, is to accept we are equal in importance to each other. When we are equal, we accept each other’s roles and responsibilities and seek to uplift and sustain them. Neither role is less important. They each play an important role in the unity with each other and all the trials we will face on the earth.

The Great TABOO

Growing up, sex was a bad word. There was a taboo about the word that made me fear the idea of it. My parents quickly taught me about sex before sugar coating it with a ruby ring, which is all I took out of the conversation. Even in church when the law of chastity lesson came up, the teachers were awkward and the lessons painful. As a result, I was probably around 16 when I found out what sex was through media, friends, and any other sources that did not provide me with accurate or helpful information. Sean E. Brotherson wrote an article titled Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage, He shares how in the church there are two dialogues that we teach. The first being about how Satan seeks to exploit sex and how we need to steer clear from the harmful effects of abusing sexual relations. He goes on to talk about a third dialogue that is often left out, “about the sanctity, power and emotional depth of proper sexual intimacy in the companionship of a married husband and wife“. I think it is important to understand this quote more fully, so I want to break it down.

Sanctity. I think it is important to help kids understand why sex is a private conversation. We should not openly discuss our sexual relationships because they are bad, but because it is a sacred act. Power. Sex has many amazing abilities, one of which is to procreate. Respecting that power of procreation is important in sex because this power is a gift not to be used lightly. Another power that comes from sexual relations is the bond a husband and wife can achieve when using sex appropriately. This bond can bring us closer only when we again respect sex and the power it holds in our life. Emotional Depth. This goes along with the power of the bond we create with our spouse. I cannot remember where I read this, but I remember it talking about how a man feels closes to his wife during sex and that is when he finally feels love towards her. The reason is because the women has completely placed her trust in him when she allows him to enter her. Sex creates a bond and when we constantly throw it around to anyone it loses its depth and becomes an empty shell of self-loathing attitude.

Proper Sexual Intimacy. Proper, what does that mean? Spencer W. Kimball said “If it is unnatural, you just don’t do it. That is all, and all the family life should be kept clean and worthy and on a very high plane. There are some people who have said that behind the bedroom doors anything goes. That is not true and the Lord would not condone it.” It was once said to me that if you stop feeling like a daughter of God, you should stop. There is no list of what is right in the bedroom and what is wrong. There is only the feelings you feel when you are with your spouse. Proper can mean anything, but make sure your always feel like a Child of God.

Companionship of a married husband and wife. Sex is a beautiful act but only when it is done once you are legally and lawfully wedded. When you choose to break the law of chastity, you abuse the three points made, sanctity, power, and emotional depth. You lose the sanctity of sex because it becomes a casual relation between two or more consenting adults. You lose the power because you abuse the procreation by either terminating the gift given or allowing the child to be raised in a single parent home. You lose the emotional depth because you start to turn your emotions off when you start to exploit your body so you can become numb to the feelings of guilt.

Sex is not a taboo to be feared. It should not be an awkward conversation when discussing with your kids or teaching in churches. It should be an opportunity to discuss that sex is a wonderful and beautiful act that should be respected by saving it for marriage where it can be used in a manner that is pleasing to the Lord.

Charity Never Faileth

The term fall in or out of love has always bothered me. For me, this term means that your agency has nothing to do with love. But agency was given to us to make choices that can bring us closer to our Savior. We do have the agency to choose who we love and so continually showing love towards our spouse is our choice and when we feel that we have fallen out of love with them it is because we stopped choosing to love them.

Before my husband and I made the choice to marry we talked about love and what it meant to both of us. We both believed love was a choice. We both saw something in each other that we knew we could love forever but only if we chose it everyday. Though it has only been 2 years for us, there are days when it is hard to make that choice. But it is taking it one day at a time and as I take it one day at a time I can focus on the positive things in our relationship.

Where is the Greener Grass

The common saying “the grass is greener on the other side” is a constant quote running through my head because my neighbor has a beautiful lawn. My lawn, on the other hand, has dry patches, weeds, and random rocks poorly placed. As I read Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by Dr. Goddard, I was reminded of my poor lawn and my neighbors immaculate one. As I was reading I realized I am not consecrated to my lawn as my neighbor are towards their lawn. I do the minimal amount of work that my house does not disappear while my neighbor goes above and beyond to make sure that their lawn is constantly taken care of.

I relate this to marriage. Many couples put the minimum amount of effort so that it looks decent but it is one missed day of mowing to be over run with weeds. While we put the little effort into our relationship we start looking at other marriages we idealize and dream that our marriage could be like that. We ask ourselves ‘what do they have that we don’t?’ the answer is they are not you!

In Dr. Gottman’s book Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work he talks about how every relationship we bring our own personalities into the marriage. Each marriage is different because it is made up of two uniquely different people. Understanding that there will be difference is important when being consecrated to your marriage. Learning to love them regardless and continuing to give your all to the marriage will turn those differences into opportunities to learn and grow.

I do not care for Justin Bieber but he came out with a song years ago and it is my favorite line in the history of songs. ” But the grass ain’t always greener on the other side, It’s green where you water it “. If you want greener grass you need to water, weed, mow, and other steps to consistently take care of it. You need to be consecrated to your marriage. You need to let your spouse know he is more important than any other relationship.

Humility

The other day, I was annoyed by every little thing my husband did. I felt that every little thing he did was a deliberate act against me. I felt that I was being mistreated and taken advantaged of because all that I do for him in taking care of the house and kids. Eventually he left for school and I sat and read chapter four of Dr. Goddard’s book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. I was chastised for my behavior and attitude towards my husband and my marriage. From that point I could continue to be bitter or choose to be humble.

In President Benson’s talk Beware of Pride he talks about how proud people do not want to accept God or man’s opinion by changing theirs but expects others to change their opinion. Pride keeps us from becoming more like our Savior. To repent we must accept change but in the talk, President Benson says “the proud do not receive counsel or corrections easily“. When we have pride in our heart it will keep us from growing and learning from others. We must follow President Benson’s council and allow ourselves to be humble.

It is hard to choose humility, because you have to admit your faults and wrongdoings. I knew after I read Dr. Goddard’s book that I needed to apologize to my husband. As I followed the prompting I felt the humility wash over me as well as I felt the spirit enter back into our home. When we are prideful we do not allow the spirit to dwell with us. In Dr. Gottman’s book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work he talks about accepting our spouse’s influence in the marriage. When we accept the other’s influence and work jointly together in over coming our challenges and difference we can also allow the influence of the spirit to be in our home.

Is Your Spouse an Object or a Person

In Dr. Goddard’s book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, He shares a quote by President Brigham Young “If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him“. When we look at our spouse, do we see what he is now or do you look deeper and see what God’s sees, his potential. Looking at your spouse and finding them as an object to be dealt with will create a ‘heart of war’ (Anatomy of Peace) inside of you.

The Arbinger Institute came out with a book titled The Anatomy of Peace. This book tells a  story about a group of diverse parents and how they can help their children. But it focuses on making sure we see every acquaintance as a person and not objectify them. When we stop to look at our spouse as a person, with feelings, desires, and thoughts just like you, we will develop a ‘heart of peace’ (Anatomy of Peace) towards our spouse and be more prepared to turn towards them even when they show anger.

A college student shared his personal story how he decided to turn towards his wife, without her knowing his experiment. He found that as he started, she too would reciprocate. This story goes along with what Dr. Gottman shares in his third principle, that turning towards our spouses is letting our “spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life“. When we show them we care and we are aware of their needs we are being able to grow our marriage and connection with each other.

Trust Your Friendship

“Nothing is as constant as change” -President Monson.

Dr. Gottman shares 7 principles in making a marriage work. The first two principles are ‘Enhance your Love Map‘ and the second is ‘Nurture your Fondness and Admiration‘. Both of these principles use action words ‘enhance‘ and ‘nurture‘ he is implying that no matter how strong a relationship is it can always get better. He also say at the end of his first two principles that the readers should do them often. He recognizes that as humans we change over time and if we are not constantly checking in our spouse, we’ll wake up one morning not knowing the person in bed next to us.

In the book Mindset by Carol Dweck she focuses on teaching about having a growth mindset over a fixed mindset. A growth mindset believes we can achieve anything with effort while a fixed mindset believe in innate ability. Dr. Goddard mentions having the right mindset in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Being ‘good’ at marriage is not an innate talent. We need to put effort into it like Dr. Gottman talks about, taking action in knowing and love our spouse. It wont just happen.

My sister is going through some struggles with her fiance and I shared with her a quote from Bruce Hafen’s book Covenant Hearts “Don’t  try to make him into what you want him to be. You fell in love with what he is. He will still grow. But you’ll learn from experience to trust what he does rather than jumping to negative conclusions when you don’t understand something.” (Paraphrased advice from one of Bruce Hafen’s children to his youngest). Trust in the friendship you had and begin to know who they have changed into as they change. We should not wait for that morning when we no longer know our spouse but everyday continue to learn about them as they change.

Christ Centered Marriage

In H. Wallace Goddard’s book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” he says “the key to surviving and enjoying marriage are found in the gospel of Jesus Christ“. Dr Goddard continues to talk about how the principle of the Gospel of Jesus Christ can benefit a marriage and life, and when we apply the gospel into our marriage we can grow together. I love that in his quote he mentions surviving and enjoying. Marriage is hard but it is also meant to be a joyous experience. I think marriage is seen as work and no fun. But that is not want God intended marriage to be. Dr Gottman also speaks about marriages in his book “the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work“. He talks about that marriage is meant to be a place where two couples not only “get along” but build a life together where “they support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together“. Elder Wirthlin gave a talk where he shared a story of an older couple. The husband knew his wife’s needs and desires, and when she could no longer fulfill them, he did it for her. He showed that he had great love for his wife. Elder Wirthlin continues to share about true love in his quote “Sometimes the greatest love is not found in the dramatic scenes that poets and writers immortalize. Often, the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring we extend to those we meet along the path of life.” When we have a Christ centered home it is remembering the deep friendship we have with our spouse and showing small acts of kindness so they know we care and we care about the little things.

Know your priorities

In the summer of 2016, I moved in with my sister and her family. At the time she had three children at the ages of 4, 2 and newborn. On my day off from work I decided to go to the temple. As I was getting ready and about to leave my 4 year old nephew asked me where I was going. I told him I was going to the temple. He replied “because you’re not married yet?”. I just about died of laughter!

I share this experience because as I was reading “What I hope you would teach your children about  the temple” By Ezra Taft Benson he talks about how many times parents shy from teaching their children about the importance of covenant marriage because of the sacred nature of the temple ordinances. I thought about that experience and found it sweet that with such a young mind he knew that temples are where you get married. My sister showed the importance of the temple and marriages by letting her son know that is where you marry to be sealed for all time and eternity.

But what is special of a covenant marriage in the temple? In Bruce C. Hafen’s article “Covenant Marriage” he shares his view of the difference between a covenant and a contract marriage between partners. “Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent“. In Heleman 5:12 we learn that Satan will send “mighty winds” to knock us off our foundation, but a covenant marriage is built on Christ and from the scripture we can understand that he can not knock us off as long as we stay firm to our covenants.

Prior to returning home form my mission, my mission president and his wife gave us leaving missionaries a fireside. One of the statements made was when picking a spouse make sure he/she had their priorities straight. The priority list is as follows “first the lord, second your spouse, and third your children”. When I think about having a covenant marriage I think about how I need to follow Christ and seek his kingdom first. Joseph Fielding Smith in his address “Fullness of the Priesthood” he says “There is nothing in all this world as important to each of us as putting first in our lives the things of God’s kingdom, as keeping the commandments, as magnifying our callings in the priesthood, as going to the house of the Lord and being offered the fullness of the blessings of our Father’s kingdom.” I know that when we put Christ first in our lives that our marriage and our family will be blessed and we will be able to withstand the storm Satan WILL send. Satan will not stop trying to knock us down.